Burnt Clean by the Dark

What the eclipse taught me about taking radical responsibility for my relationships

Burnt clean by the dark, by Emily Fields Joffrion and Midjourney

Last spring, I left a deeply troubled relationship that has proven to be one of the greatest teachers of my life. I don’t want to admit all of the ways my wounds have tricked me into making shitty life decisions or kept me in situations that chipped away at my sense of self, so it’s a bit embarrassing to share this story. And, this relational rock-bottom propelled me into a chapter of deep self-reflection, accountability and growth that fundamentally changed how I think about love, relationships and intimacy. When I imagine that this story could become a spark that leads another person to compassion and repair, the risk of over-sharing feels worth it. So here it goes…

We had been unraveling for quite some time, trying to make couples counseling work for two people who were completely incompatible and deeply co-dependent. I finally got the courage to leave but it would take me another two weeks to actually do it. I wasn’t ready to see him in person yet, but he came on that eclipse trip to Durango, Mexico over my birthday and I did my best to hold my center and push down all of the complex feelings that were bubbling at the surface, screaming for my attention.

If you are an astrology person, eclipses are a time of transformation that bring in unexpected events and the unfolding of fate. This particular eclipse was the day after my birthday, in my sun sign Aries and conjunct “the wounded healer” Chiron, so it was destined to be dark, painful and mess some shit up. I was still pretending like I could ignore all of the wounding I’d experienced in this relationship and somehow be friends with this man. But something went down and I fucking snapped. I became a volcano of anger fueled by mezcal, too much direct sun, and extremely loud mariachi music and it just erupted out of me — everything I’d been hiding and holding back to spare his feelings. I had that final piece of evidence that gave my self-righteous protector permission to attack and I went for the jugular. When I came to my senses, I was deeply embarrassed at the scene I’d made. But more importantly, I felt I had given away any claim I had to the victim narrative I was holding onto while we were together.

I spent quite a while oscillating between the victim and vigilante before I realized that this guy wasn’t my first asshole. He wasn’t the first guy who tried to control me — my schedule, where I was able to go and with whom, what “version” of me I was allowed to be. There had been quite a few actually, and the ugly truth I had to face this time was that the only the constant in all of these relationships was me. I was choosing these men — men who I perceived as strong or capable. I was choosing them because, on some level, they made me feel safe from the big scary world that I believed was out to get me. I have a lot of compassion for the part of myself that feels scared and defensive — and that part of you, dear reader. Life can put you on the ropes with overwhelming pain that makes it hard to get back up. We try to learn from those experiences and protect ourselves from hurt.

I built up these phony belief structures and walls to fortify myself from getting hurt again, but they ended up being cages of my own creation. I realized that I was so afraid of being harmed that I was outsourcing my own safety to unsafe men who harmed me. By allowing them to set bullshit rules, unspoken agreements and cultural norms, I was actively participating in my own repression, manipulation, and suffering. I was consenting to my own victimhood by seeking it out and staying in these dynamics which were toxic for me. Instead of demonstrating self-respect and self-love by leaving, I tried to earn my dignity by convincing them to treat me better. It didn’t work very well.

When I realized that, I felt the weight of shame like a tsunami that overwhelmed and engulfed me. It forced me to be honest about all of the ways I’d sold myself out by outsourcing my own value to external validation. Not just in my romantic relationships, but in friendships where I allowed myself to be side-kicked, in work relationships where I put performance over my wellbeing, and in family relationships where I still struggled to feel seen and understood. All of this was impacting how I saw myself in the world around me and it all needed to be addressed. Now. After the eclipse, I quit drinking alcohol and entered a celibate period. I signed up for the Hoffman Process and learned how much of my life was being driven by projections I was placing on others and accepting from them. I went to the Arctic and to Burning Man, and I spent quality one-on-one time with each member of my immediate family and cleaned my shit up.

I went through my dark material — the childhood wounds, my religious trauma, my experiences with misogyny, my inner perfectionism and the parts of me that control. I saw all of the patterns and stories I was running on, the scripts I had accepted and turned into cannon. I saw how I was making choices out of fear when my soul wanted to be free. It was a lot to grieve and mourn all that had happened to me, and all of the pain I chose. When I surrendered to those feelings and let myself be drowned and exhausted by them, I became still. The water receded and I could finally breathe. I began to forgive myself. I saw how I came by this programming honestly. We all did. It’s the stories we grew up on and in the way our early experiences shape us, whether or not we are explicitly talking about it. That didn’t excuse my inappropriate expression of retaliatory anger or the harm that it caused, but did soften it. I wasn’t a bad person or an angry woman. I was a hurt child who acted out. That shift in my perspective allowed me feel deep empathy for the part of me that needed to protect myself from this situation, even though that was not how I wanted to show up in the world or handle conflict with anyone.

This is where repair comes in — and why I believe repair is the key to unfucking the world we are living in. When we can hold ourselves with compassion and keep shame at bay, we can allow ourselves to take responsibility for harm without becoming the archetype of the bad guy. We all make mistakes and do shitty things sometimes. That’s part of what makes us human. Those of us who are so obsessed with perfectionism that we don’t make mistakes (points at herself) can’t grow. When we create this space for ourselves, it allows us to imagine other people’s experience, perception and points of view and have compassion for them as they make mistakes. This is the pre-work to repair and what makes forgiveness possible in a world that is hell-bent on punishment and retaliation. And if we can start to sit with each other’s humanity and listen with an open heart, we may be able to heal this world after all.

Going back to my inner world, now that I was making the implicit stories I believed in explicit, I was ready to take responsibility and choose what beliefs I was willing to accept and bring into my inner world and who I was willing to relate to in my outer world. I realized that if I was choosing these types of relationships, I could un-choose them. I was able to flip the drama triangle and move from Victim to Creator and take responsibility for my own growth and what I want in relationships. I accepted radical responsibility for my role, what I allowed, enabled and consented to by not defining what I wanted and needed and then being a stand for myself in not accepting anything else.

This is what it means to have a human experience in a societal context. Many of us have accepted beliefs, mindsets, realities and identities without really questioning or understanding what it is we are accepting. Relationships are complex because they are inherently subjective experiences between two (or more) different people that play with perception, projection, values, desires, conditioning, and cultural norms which are all highly complex and personal. One of the stories I’ve had to address the idea that I am unsafe and needed someone to protect me. Tracing this down to its root, I see where this story was created — in lore, in lived experience and in the media — so I have compassion for the part of me that is afraid. And, now that it is conscious, I can work with it. I can create safety inside of myself, build deep relationships with community and start to manage that inner voice of fear and judgement that was running the show. Now I focus my energy on how I want to feel in relationship with others and myself and use that as information on who gets my attention and time.

What stories have you accepted as truth? What beliefs are you allowing to run the show about the world around you and your place in it? How might you take radical responsibility for your role in a relationship in your life?

I’ll be in the comments if you want to chat about it.